Discovering More About Myself

I discovered more about myself through dealing with others. What I noticed about myself is that (i) I like to observe how people interact; Often, I would share with J how I felt about the entire team and their bonding thus far - I tend to focus on the social side of a team's outcome, and (ii) I view people with a certain level of standards, and when they fail to reach that standard, I condemn them.

As I focus on the latter, I remembered many instances of the trip in which I was furious with the female student leader. On countless occasions, she failed to attain standards that were expected of a basic human being, let alone a role model for others. J stopped me from confrontations on several of these instances, otherwise, I could have imagined a showdown between me and her.

Basic rules are there for all to follow, but to show disrespect on countless occasions led me to conclude that she didn't learn anything from this trip & I knew I have 'lost' this student. These were some occasions that made me furious:

1. She went into the guys' hut many times, despite my repeated verbal warnings to her,

2. She smoked in her girls' hut, despite the allocated smoking corner that we have all agreed upon.

3. She came down late several times, despite my reminders to the entire team on punctuality.

4. She was even absent once for breakfast, and no one knew what happened to her.

5. She took the front passenger seat of the car, even when I told her that it was meant for the host.

6. She spoke loudly asking her friends for payment, when the village head was having that short conversation with us.

7. She failed to update us constantly on her deliverables, though all other sub-teams managed to do so with daily progress updates.

Considering the long list of 'offences' she committed, I viewed myself as a highly tolerant person. Or maybe I have accepted how I can condemn a person without confronting her myself. I actually treated her as invisible. I thought of calling her 'animal names', but I reckoned that even animals know what self-respect is. If asked to choose between peace (i.e. to avoid the confrontation) and transform (i.e. to change her), I have chosen the former. Maybe harmony was what I sought for. (Or maybe one more final straw could have made me blow my top?)

Though if I had the choice, I would have never selected her for the trip. Indeed I have learnt to see one less person on this Earth.