Indifferent

The day after I have taken the leap, GC asked me to reconsider my move. Twice, he asked - once in the morning and again in the evening. Maybe he was secretly hoping that I would change my mind, maybe he was being kind in giving me some advice.

When he asked that morning, it set me thinking whether I did the right action. But as the day went by, I struggled through my daily issues. That was it. I knew I lost it all. I was indifferent to the issues that I used to handle with pride and urgency. I finally know the feeling of being 'indifferent'.

A leap of faith

The thought of taking a gigantic leap was trodding in my mind for an entire month. Prior to that, I did play with such thoughts, but it was transient. Today, it went from being in motion to taking action.

It took me a lot of courage, but I knew I had to do it. As the evening draws closer, I realised that it's time to call it quits. I told GC that I want to close this chapter and move on.

He paused. He thought. Then we talked. As he questioned my rationale for this personal decision, he seemed to have known my decision. For he wasn't adverse or admanant that I should stay on. I wasn't expecting this, but I should be glad about it - that he now knows about my intention. Maybe my body language for the past week shows it all; for my body was there, but my heart wasn't.

Now that all has been said, I feel relieved. Afterall, it was a leap of faith. Without a firm picture of how my next chapter would be, I wondered if it was courage and strength that got me through. Or was it the growing lack of hygiene factors that has dirtied my current chapter beyond redemption.

As I looked ahead to see what lies ahead after my leap, I am surprised at what I saw - a land of RELIEF. I felt unburdened and yet happily lost.

One step at a time

I used to dream big and think far. Nowadays, I just plan & execute small steps one at a time. My aim is to ensure that such steps are executed safely. There are so many changes happening to my life - my status, holiday plans, career, colleagues, department, jobscope, and the list goes on.

This is not me. I like to introduce the stability & routine that was once present in my life. I want to have the foresight to envision bigger things to come. All these will come. They will, but not for now.

Today, I live to fight another day. The sun will shine, as I make some hay. Today, I pray for the sun rays. Another baby step as I find my way.

Hell Breaks Loose

I got a sms from DC this morning at 7.50am. It requested me to rush to work. I got there as fast as I could. Afterall, it was the morning peak and I still require some 35 mins to get myself there. I reached there only to join a group gathering of 5. The warehouse was in a crisis. Goods everywhere; delivery going nowhere. We were in a crisis. We activated as much help as we can - recalled some staff, requested for overtime and reeled in additional equipment.

We fought the crisis. It wasn't easy, but we eventually had it subdued by 1.00pm.

However, we were barely in control yesterday evening. Or at least we thought we were. Everything seemed fine then. We asked R & he replied confidently that things are going smoothly.Even our guys told us that they were able to cope.

As I recalled, it was a couple of hours before, on that fateful yesterday afternoon that GC, DC and me were grilled by our boss. We fought to protect our department from an earlier complaint. But we end up watching our pride fly away like a little lost kite.Our customer has sent an unpleasant e-mail, commenting on poor delivery standards. I belonged to 1 of 2 departments that attributed to this delay. Our boss ended the meeting by telling us 'Either we are a Third-World country or we are a 'Third-World Management'.

I have been fighting one crisis after another. As I rest and think about what my boss has said, I figured that we must have been the latter. Afterall, I am not sure when hell would break loose again.

Dealing with Failure

I failed the test.

It was just about failure that filled my day. The morning was filled with hope. Even though I told myself that the results are beyond my control, I still wished that I would PASS the test. The level of anxiety affected my productivity today, as I thought about my possible next steps after I know the results.

As the evening approaches, my hope dissipated as fast as the sun disappears from my sight. My fate was sealed. I have failed.

Random thoughts came to my mind, as I come to terms with my failure. I was upset. I asked - haven't I dealt with enough failures before to be able to handle this? I figured that I have experienced enough before, but the optimistic me just wasn't able to cope with this one. Maybe because the test meant a lot to me. Hopes of a better future came to nought.

As I calmed myself down, I repeated the saying - "What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger". My mind came up with an action plan to deal with the failure:

(i) Lodge an appeal tomorrow

(ii) Stabilise myself with my passion & priorities

(iii) Sharpen my focus

With a plan in mind, the only task left is to find my strength to carry out the action plan. Where can I find it?

Fearing the Unknown

This morning, I took a test. Because of its importance, I have made many special arrangements for it. The efforts range from going to work the night before to clear my work, discussing with gf on how to do well, going to the doctor to obtain an MC on that day.

The 1st half of the test went smoothly. But I faltered at the difficult questions towards the end. Before I knew it, the test was over. As I left, I felt I could have done better, but there wasn't any 10-year series qns on this sort of test. I wondered if there was anything I could have done better, like getting more sleep before the test or giving more thought to the qns before I answered.

Now comes the results. And because the results will only be out tomorrow, I fear how it would turn out to be. The result can only be a PASS or a FAIL. I wanted a PASS, so there I was, fearing the unknown. The hope for a PASS was evident, but there was nothing I could do today, except to worry about it. As much as I tell myself that the results are out-of-my-control, I still pray for a positive outcome.

Half the waiting time has passed. The other half awaits me tomorrow. As I wait anxiously for the results to be 'released', I can only wish that it turns out positive. For if I pass, a brighter future awaits me; and if I fail, a final execution beckons...