Separated by silence

Silence can do wonders. Sometimes, the act of inactivity can kill. And today, I realise the power of SILENCE.

My gf and I have been on cold war recently. I have not taken the initiative to meet or call her. Neither has she called or sms me back. We have not really met up for 6 days already. It wasn't long ago that we were meeting up every alternative day. What happened?

That say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Not true. Silence is the equivalent of total absence. It makes the heart grow weaker in faith. My faith has decreased by the day. My yearn for my gf has dropped.

I fear getting into another quarrel with her. I fear bringing her to the wrong places. Any place, like IKEA, can be a wrong place. I fear my phone being questioned. I fear her random questions on her being the prettiest girl in the Earth. My fear has turned into avoidance.

How long will the avoidance be? Will it be a waiting game?

Judging People

Today, I was invited to be a judge at an Area Toastmasters Contest. An 'Area' consists of 4 toastmasters club. And today, they have put forth their best men to compete on stage in front of me and my fellow panel of judges.

I feel like a sniper. Putting up a false front and an attentive expression. Just that I have to pull the trigger and give a score at the end of each session. Each day, we are judging people, just that today, I am consciously going through the process.

You blink and I'll shoot.

The dream of a BREAK

Some people talk about their dream break. For me, I just dream of a break. I guess life has been taking a toll on me. I wonder if it has been work, my girlfriend or just the way I add pressure to my life. It doesn't matter. What matters is an outlet to vent it all out.


I vent it out by wanting a holiday out of Singapore. Some scenery and breathtaking shots to take me a new HIGH. I dun need cigarettes or drugs. Neither do I need tonnes of sleep or clubbing away. But can I get even get a BREAK?

I just dun seem to be able to get one.

I dun have a partner. My girlfriend doesn't want to go. I went for a holiday with my family in Oct last year. My sis just changed her job and can't take leave. My friends turned down my offer to coincide their leave with mine.

I want to take a break. But I do not know how to. My moods have been down because there's nothing to look forward to. I realise that I would always be in a much better mood if I have a holiday planned well ahead. It's like a goal to work towards to. It's like putting your efforts with a reward awaiting you.

I guess I just have to plan for one. Either I go by myself or I join some random trip and make new friends. The latter seems a good choice. Wish me success in doing it.

The pursuit of happyness

The pursuit of happyness. The pursuit of happyness?

Should it be a statement of a question? I am not sure of it myself. Yesterday, I went to the Vivo GV to watch "The Pursuit of Happyness". Many has said that that it was a inspiring story. And after I watched it, I chose to agree with that stand.

After the movie, I was posed with the question - WHY is HAPPYNESS spelt with a 'Y' and not a 'I'? Here was the answer: When Will Smith visited his son's school and noticed the wrong spelling of "Pursuit of Happyness" in the Declaration of Independence poster made by the kids, he immediately told the teacher. The teacher responded - the most important thing is the real happiness students feel while creating the poster, never mind the spelling. And that inspired Will Smith's to pursue happiness.

I was thinking about it. Happyness is not a END state. It is not a poster (or a painting) that gives you happiness. It is the process of making the poster; it is the journey of doing the right thing. I realise that it will be progressive realisation of one's valuable goals that leads to happiness.

Where is my happyness? Do I even have a dream to start off with? So that I could relentlessly chase my dream? Do I?

Jealousy

My girlfriend seems to get jealous easily. She gets jealous over many thingsz she see. "Do you think that I am pretty or the picture of this book is pretty", she asks. " Who is cuter - me or Fann Wong?" I was cornered and in such cases, there is only 1 right answer.

Recently, I had another one. She complains that I still had that cushion made and sewn by my ex. First, she had complained that it was on my bed. Ok, I got the point and shifted it to the 2nd highest section of my cabinet. She then asked, why did I keep it? I answered, "It's functional." It went on a point when she boiled her jealously out in public, demanding that I threw the cushion away and she wanted to buy one for me right on the spot in IKEA. She was clearly disturbed. On the other hand, I felt exasperated. If you are buying for me out of jealousy, would that have rationalise the buy? Afterall, the truth lies that that IKEA cushion was not comfy and I could "smell" that she wanted to spite me.

I felt stifled. I felt trapped. Now, I felt as if every place could be a wrong place to bring her, for questions she asked, had to fill up her lack of security.

2 days ago, I highlighted to her that my Samsung phone can't do a "Copy All" function of names and contacts from the phone to the SIM card. She demanded that it can be done. Come on, she has never used a Samsung phone her life. What does she know? I had been playing with the phone and I clearly know that I had to transfer contact one by one. She demanded that it can be done and wanted me to pass the phone over to her. I refused, stating all the reasons. Did I "smell" jealousy in checking onto me again? She even cried. What the heck.